“Recently I was honored to be selected as an Outstanding
Famous Celebrity in Texas, to be a judge at a chili
cook-off because no one else wanted to do it. Also the
original person called in sick at the last moment and I
happened to be standing there at the judge’s table asking
directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was
assured by the other two judges that the chili wouldn’t be
all that spicy, and besides they told me I could have free
beer during the tasting, so I accepted this as being one
of those burdens you endure when you’re an internet writer
and therefore know and adored by all.” <\/p>\nHere are the scorecards from the event: <\/p>\n
Chili # 1: Mike’s Maniac Mobster Monster Chili <\/p>\n
JUDGE ONE:
A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick. <\/p>\nJUDGE TWO:
Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild. <\/p>\nCAMERON:
Holy smokes, what is this stuff? You could remove dried
paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to
put the flames out. Hope that’s the worst one. These
people are crazy. <\/p>\nChili # 2: Arthur’s Afterburner Chili <\/p>\n
JUDGE ONE:
Smoky (barbecue?) with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang. <\/p>\nJUDGE TWO:
Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously. <\/p>\nCAMERON
Keep this out of reach of children! I’m not sure what I am
supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people
who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. Shoved my way
to the front of the beer line. The barmaid looks like a
professional wrestler after a bad night. She was so irritated
over my gagging sounds that the snake tattoo under her eye
started to twitch. She has arms like Popeye and a face like
Winston Churchill. I will NOT pick a fight with her. <\/p>\nChili # 3: Fred’s Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili <\/p>\n
JUDGE ONE:
Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans. <\/p>\nJUDGE TWO:
A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers. <\/p>\nCAMERON:
This has got to be a joke. Call the EPA, I’ve located a
uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been sneezing
Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now and got out of my
way so I could make it to the beer wagon. Barmaid pounded
me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my
chest. She said her friends call her “Sally.” Probably
behind her back they call her “Forklift.” <\/p>\nChili # 4: Bubba’s Black Magic <\/p>\n
JUDGE ONE:
Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing. <\/p>\nJUDGE TWO:
Hint of lime in the black beans Good side dish for fish or
other mild foods, not much of a chili. <\/p>\nCAMERON:
I felt something scraping across my tongue but was unable to
taste it. Sally was standing behind me with fresh refills so
I wouldn’t have to dash over to see her. When she winked at
me her snake sort of coiled and uncoiled… it’s kinda cute. <\/p>\nChili # 5: Linda’s Legal Lip Remover <\/p>\n
JUDGE ONE:
Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground adding
considerable kick. Very impressive. <\/p>\nJUDGE TWO:
Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit
the cayenne peppers make a strong statement. <\/p>\nCAMERON:
My ears are ringing and I can no longer focus my eyes. I
belched and four people in front of me needed paramedics.
The contestant seemed hurt when I told her that her chili
had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue by pouring
beer directly on it from a pitcher. Sort of irritates me
that one of the other judges asked me to stop screaming. <\/p>\nChili # 6: Vera’s Very Vegetarian Variety <\/p>\n
JUDGE ONE:
Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice
and peppers. <\/p>\nJUDGE TWO:
The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.
Superb. <\/p>\nCAMERON:
My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous
flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except
Sally. I asked if she wants to go dancing later. <\/p>\nChili # 7: Susan’s Screaming Sensation Chili <\/p>\n
JUDGE ONE;
A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers. <\/p>\nJUDGE TWO:
Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef threw in canned peppers at the
last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge
number 3, he appears to be in a bit of distress. <\/p>\nCAMERON:
You could put a hand grenade in my mouth and pull the pin
and I wouldn’t feel it. I’ve lost the sight in one eye and
the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My
clothes are covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of
my mouth at some point. Good! At autopsy they’ll know what
killed me. <\/p>\nChili # 8: Helen’s Mount Saint Chili <\/p>\n
JUDGE ONE:
This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor
hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number
3 fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself. <\/p>\nJUDGE TWO:
A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all,
not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence. <\/p>\nCAMERON:
Momma…<\/font> <\/p><\/blockquote>\n<\/body><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Ever now and then this joke comes across my email and ever single time I burst out laughing. “Recently I was honored to be selected as an Outstanding Famous Celebrity in Texas, to be a judge at a chili cook-off … Continue reading