Ever now and then this joke comes across my email and ever single time I burst out laughing.

“Recently I was honored to be selected as an Outstanding
Famous Celebrity in Texas, to be a judge at a chili
cook-off because no one else wanted to do it. Also the
original person called in sick at the last moment and I
happened to be standing there at the judge’s table asking
directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was
assured by the other two judges that the chili wouldn’t be
all that spicy, and besides they told me I could have free
beer during the tasting, so I accepted this as being one
of those burdens you endure when you’re an internet writer
and therefore know and adored by all.”

Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili # 1: Mike’s Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

JUDGE ONE:
A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.

JUDGE TWO:
Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

CAMERON:
Holy smokes, what is this stuff? You could remove dried
paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to
put the flames out. Hope that’s the worst one. These
people are crazy.

Chili # 2: Arthur’s Afterburner Chili

JUDGE ONE:
Smoky (barbecue?) with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.

JUDGE TWO:
Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

CAMERON
Keep this out of reach of children! I’m not sure what I am
supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people
who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. Shoved my way
to the front of the beer line. The barmaid looks like a
professional wrestler after a bad night. She was so irritated
over my gagging sounds that the snake tattoo under her eye
started to twitch. She has arms like Popeye and a face like
Winston Churchill. I will NOT pick a fight with her.

Chili # 3: Fred’s Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

JUDGE ONE:
Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.

JUDGE TWO:
A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.

CAMERON:
This has got to be a joke. Call the EPA, I’ve located a
uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been sneezing
Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now and got out of my
way so I could make it to the beer wagon. Barmaid pounded
me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my
chest. She said her friends call her “Sally.” Probably
behind her back they call her “Forklift.”

Chili # 4: Bubba’s Black Magic

JUDGE ONE:
Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

JUDGE TWO:
Hint of lime in the black beans Good side dish for fish or
other mild foods, not much of a chili.

CAMERON:
I felt something scraping across my tongue but was unable to
taste it. Sally was standing behind me with fresh refills so
I wouldn’t have to dash over to see her. When she winked at
me her snake sort of coiled and uncoiled… it’s kinda cute.

Chili # 5: Linda’s Legal Lip Remover

JUDGE ONE:
Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.

JUDGE TWO:
Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit
the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

CAMERON:
My ears are ringing and I can no longer focus my eyes. I
belched and four people in front of me needed paramedics.
The contestant seemed hurt when I told her that her chili
had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue by pouring
beer directly on it from a pitcher. Sort of irritates me
that one of the other judges asked me to stop screaming.

Chili # 6: Vera’s Very Vegetarian Variety

JUDGE ONE:
Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice
and peppers.

JUDGE TWO:
The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.
Superb.

CAMERON:
My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous
flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except
Sally. I asked if she wants to go dancing later.

Chili # 7: Susan’s Screaming Sensation Chili

JUDGE ONE;
A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

JUDGE TWO:
Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef threw in canned peppers at the
last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge
number 3, he appears to be in a bit of distress.

CAMERON:
You could put a hand grenade in my mouth and pull the pin
and I wouldn’t feel it. I’ve lost the sight in one eye and
the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My
clothes are covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of
my mouth at some point. Good! At autopsy they’ll know what
killed me.

Chili # 8: Helen’s Mount Saint Chili

JUDGE ONE:
This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor
hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number
3 fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself.

JUDGE TWO:
A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all,
not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

CAMERON:
Momma…

We took an unplanned trip to the hospital last night. It started off when we were all upstairs in the train room and Alex and I were playing horse. I was down on all fours and he was sitting on my back when he decided to let go and that’s when he lost his balance and slid off. He landed on his bum but his head came down pretty hard and hit the edge of the his Thomas the Tank Engine Fire House. There was some crying and when I checked out his head I saw a little blood and after managing to get his hair out of the way I saw that he had a little gash.

So we packed up the car and off to the hospital to have it checked out. To our surprise it really wasn’t crowded. I was expecting to have to sit and wait for a couple of hours before we could get in but when we got there we were the next people in line.

First the nurse at the triage station had to look at his head, then when we got back to the emergency room the nurse there had to look at it and let me tell you, Alex wanted absolutely nothing to do with any of that. He fought anyone who even remotely came close to looking at his head and there was nothing we could do to convince him that it was all going to be alright. Then the doctor had to come in and take a look too. We had to hold him down pretty tight for her to get close enough to get a look at it. It didn’t look too bad but she said it was going to need 2 staples to close it up.

Alex wouldn’t even sit still for them long enough to get a look at it and we were thinking, how are they going to keep him still enough to put in staples? Turns out they have their ways. They wrapped him up tight in a sheet with his arms at his sides so the only thing showing was his head. They called it “burrito style.” Then Jen sat at his head and I held his body down while they did the work. Once wrapped up I thought he did a really good job sitting still because he could have still put up a big fuss if he wanted to. It took them about five minutes to clean the cut out and give him the two staples and then we were on our way.

Since the cut is right at the back of his head it’s right where his head would sit on the pillow so we have been trying to teach him how to sleep on his side. So far we’ve had limited success but he really is in good spirits today and the first thing he did when he got up this morning was come and wake me up and tell me it was “Time to Play!”

Ug. It’s been a while since I managed to get to an update. A week in fact, holy cow.

Anyway Alex hasn’t been feeling that good this week. He’s got a runny nose and has been stuffed for for a couple of days which in turn has made the nights rather long. He sleeps for a bit and then he’s awake looking for Milk or Juice or just plain upset. The last two nights he has slept in our room just because it has been easier to manage. I’m pretty sure what started all this was his flu shot since the same thing happened last year.

I made another push on the kitchen last weekend and put up all the tile behind the stove for the backsplash. This weekend I’ll finish out the grouting and then that should just about wrap up the kitchen work. Once the grouting is done I’ll post the finished pictures to the web site so look for those in the next couple of weeks.

We had corn on the cob last night with dinner and up until then I thought that there was really only two ways to ways to eat it.

The first method involves eating the coring around the cob. You start at either the right or left end, eat one complete circle around the cob, then move right or left to start the next circle. This is the round the cob method.

Second, and this is the method I favor, I call the typewriter method. You start at one end and then eat clear across the cob until you get to the other side. Rotate the cob and repeat.

Alex introduced me to the third method last night. Complete and utter randomness is the only way to describe his method. A bite from the middle, then rotate slightly and take a bit from the left. Turn it the other direction, find a suitable patch of corn, take another bite. This method seemed to work well for a while but then he ended only having a patches of corn left that he had trouble getting to. His ingenious solution to this problem, get another cob of corn and let Mom finish the half eaten one.

Alex had an early morning today getting up at 7:30. He didn’t sleep that well through the night so that probably contributed to it. To compound the issue he decided that he really didn’t need a nap today so the usual hour and half in the afternoon that I use just to rejuvenate myself was lost. So when 5:00 o’clock rolled around this afternoon I was just beat. I was having one of those days when you feel you just can’t keep your eyes open for just one more second and at any moment your just going to fall asleep. So here I am on the verge of collapse and Alex is going strong.

I was laying on the floor trying to play cars with him but I’ll admit that I was pretty pathetic. He jumped on my back tried to get me to play horse but I just kept pleading.

[Dad] - “Please, just give me ten minutes, ten minutes to sleep.”

[Alex] – [making a clicking sound with his tongue] ” Lets go!”

[Dad] – “What do you think I am, your horse?”

[Alex] – “Yes. Let’s go”

[Dad] – “No, I can’t go on I’m too tired.”

Alex hoped off me at this point, walked over to the shelf to gets his maracas and then started shaking them in my face.

[Alex] [using a deep maracas voice] “The maracas say it’s time to wake up!”

The other day when jen was picking up Alex from school the teacher asked “Who’s the soccer player in the family?” Well no one except Alex makes us play at least once a day.

The weather was raining out and Alex’s class didn’t get to go outside and play like they usually do and they just played in the gym. I guess they played soccer and Alex was all over the place showcasing his skills and impressing the teachers.

We got home and had to play some soccer but this time he was playing goalie. He was standing in the net and I was kicking the ball to him but he just starting dropping to floor doing kick saves and blocks. Then when I starting kicking it up high he was catching the ball or slapping it out of the way.

Everyone can relax, the hockey puck has been found. In fact it turns out that it was never really lost.

Since the puck disappeared Alex has been pretty disappointed that we haven’t been able to play and a couple of times we ended up just pretending to play. He would move his goalie around, I would move a couple players around and then someone would say “Good Save” or “Score”.

So tonight we were talking about playing again and I mentioned again that we have lost the hockey puck. Jen said “Did you check the shelf?” Ahh, no. Well it turns out it’s been sitting on the shelf this whole time and we just didn’t look there. Jen moved it the other day because she didn’t want us to…..wait for it…..lose it.

Anyway, things are all good now and we are back playing hockey again. Alex was really into it and when he scored on me he yelled out “Slap Shot”. Now that’s a true Canadian.

It was bound to happen sooner or later but as of this evening we can’t find the hockey puck. Sadly the game has been sitting idle all day and Alex has been pretty disappointed about it.

Off to find a substitute…

Mister happy just got up from his nap. He was a little hot in his bed under all the covers and came out all mad. He came down the hall to the office where I’ve been playing on the web all afternoon and he said

“I’m all sweaty.”

I laughed because he really did look pretty wet but when I went to pick him up he didn’t want me to come close.

“I’m all sweaty. You not touch me.” Then he got really mad at me, sat down in his toy box and yelled.

“You not do anything, you stop thinking anything.”

So there…I’ve been told.

Alex and I were sitting on the couch this morning reading his “ABC of Canada” book and we got to the last page, “Zz is for Zamboni, cleaning the ice”. Not to confuse him while he’s been trying to learn his ABC’s I’ve got into the habit of pronouncing it Zee. But today when I was reading out of habit I pronounced it Zed.

Well, he looked at me and said

“No, that’s not right, it’s Zee. Zed is German, you say Zee.” I tried explaining the difference between to him but he just wouldn’t listen, today it’s Zee.