I’ve been on a Newfie kick the last couple of days and figured there’s no better way to celebrate then with a couple of good Newfie jokes.

There was a Russian, a Frenchman and a Newfie who were running from the cops. So they go down this side street and see three potatoe sacks and decide to hide in them. The police come along and think there’s something suspicious so they kick the first bag. The Russian’s in there and he says “Meow!” and the cops think ‘Oh, it’s just an ally cat,’ and keep on going. They kick the next bag and the Frenchman in there says “Woof!” so they think ‘Oh, it’s just a stray dog.’ So then they kick the bag with the Newfie in it and he says “PO-TA-TOE!”

A Torontonian, an American and a Newfoundlander are involved in a grisly crime and are all sentenced to death. The executioner told them that they would each get to choose the method by which they would die.
Their choices were: lethal injection, electric chair or by hanging.
The American was afraid of needles and didn’t want to be hanged. The American chose the electric chair.
He sat in the chair and they pulled the switch and nothing happened. The executioner said that if this happens a second time that he could go free.
They tried a second time and again nothing happened so they set him free.
The guy from Toronto was also afraid of needles and didn’t want to be hanged so he too chose the electric chair.
Once again, the chair didn’t work and he was free.
Next it was the Newfoundlander’s turn to pick how he was to be executed.
He said “I’m afraid of needles, the electric chair won’t work so you’re going to have to hang me”.

A Young, Newfoundlander man was walking around a field in Newfoundland, when he came across an old well. He walked up to the well, just to get a look. He noticed an old looking bottle in the well bucket. He picked it up. And suddenly a genie appeared before him.
The genie said, “For freeing me, I will grant you one wish.”
The young man said, “Ok. I wish that there was a bridge going from Newfoundland to the mainland, you know, like the P.E.I. one.”
The genie said,”I am sorry, but I can’t do that. That would be TOO much change. That would be ALMOST impossible. It would change too many peoples lives.”
So the young man thought for a second, then said, “Ok, then. I am a proud Newfoundlander, and I am sick and tired of everyone making fun of Newfoundlanders. SO I wish that Newfound landers were as smart, or even smarter than ANYONE else in the world. Or at least smarter than any other Canadian.”
The genie said, “So, do you want two lanes, or four?”

The Newfie Stud Bob liked to frequent the Newfoundland beaches, but was never able to attract the girls. He decided to ask his friend George the lifeguard for advice.
“It’s dem big baggy swimming trunks, my son. Dey’re years outta style. Yer best bet is to grab yeself a pair of Speedos – about two sizes too small, and drop a fist-sized potato down inside ’em. I’m telling ye, man…ye’ll have all de babes ye wants!”
The following weekend, Bob hits the beach with his spanking new tight Speedos, and his fist-sized potato. Everybody on the beach was disgusted as he walked by, covering their faces, turning away, laughing, looking sick!
Bob went back to George the lifeguard and asked him, “What’s wrong now?”
“Lard-Tunderin’ Jeezus b’y!” said George, “the potato goes in the front!”

And one last off colour one…

A Newfie walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees it’s filled to the brim with $10 bills.

He guesses there must be thousands of dollars in it.

He approaches the bartender and asks,”What’s up with the jar?”

“Well, you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money.”

The man certainly isn’t going to pass this up. “What are the three tests?”

“Pay first, those are the rules.” says the bartender.

So the Newfie gives him the $10, and the bartender drops it into the jar.

“OK,” the bartender says, “here’s what you need to do: First – You have to drink that entire gallon of pepper tequila the whole thing, all at once…and you can’t make a face while doing it.

Second, – There’s a pit bull chained-up out back with a sore tooth.
You have to remove the tooth with your bare hands.

Third, – There’s a 90-year-old woman upstairs who has never reached orgasm during intercourse. You’ve gotta make things right for her.”

The Newfie is stunned. “I know I paid my 10 bucks, but I’m not an idiot! I won’t do it!
You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila, and then do those other things….”

“Your call,” says the bartender, “but your money stays where it is.”

As time goes on and the Newfie has a few drinks, then a few more, he asks, “Wherez zat teeqeelah?”
He grabs the gallon with both hands and downs it with a big slurp.
Tears are streaming down both cheeks, but he doesn’t make a face.

Next, he staggers out back where the pit bull is chained-up, and soon all the people inside the bar hear a huge, noisy, scuffle going on outside.

They hear the pit bull barking, the guy screaming, the pit bull yelping, and then…………silence.

Just when they think the Newfie surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar, with his shirt ripped and large bloody scratches all over his body.

Now,” he says, “where’s the old woman with the sore tooth?